What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
