Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
These tits shall not be calmed
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
