I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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