If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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