Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
