Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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