I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
