I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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