All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
