you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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