he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
