Only a mothe r could love this liver
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
