She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
