I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
