Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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