that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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