i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
