it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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