how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
me + whiskey = a bad person
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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