How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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