shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
