im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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