i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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