Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
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