She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
