These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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