Do you still have your period?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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