we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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