It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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