I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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