it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
