i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you had me at cake vodka
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
