I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
