I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
