he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
whose parrot is this?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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