I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
