Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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