remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
