the condom got lost in my hair
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
