Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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