Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
