i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
