I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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