The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
