Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
