the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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