I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
