I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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