My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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