what day is it and did you see me today?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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