Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
