Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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