I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
