just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
