So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
