I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Randomize
