Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize